


Snape . com (on hold)

by mumumuji



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Comedy, F/M, Friendship, Love/Hate, Online Dating, Post-Canon, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:07:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28533414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mumumuji/pseuds/mumumuji
Summary: Severus Snape begins an online war with Hermione Granger after she refuses to finish his portrait. It all started when his god daughter Lily Luna signs him up on a dating website.💚💚💚short chapters / easy readAuthor's note: sexual references and foul languageCopyright: Photos belong to original creators
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Severus Snape, Lily Luna Potter/Portrait Severus Snape
Comments: 12
Kudos: 52





	1. Just_my{type}

Severus smeared the heart-shaped trail beneath him. The nauseating sweetness of his own cigarette ashes agitated him. He double-checked the dampened card in his hand:

_Lovegood's Agency for Lonely Hearts_

This was the place alright. 

Everything about his decision said 'pathetic', starting from the fact that it was not his, to begin with. 

"Uncle Snape, you don't want to **stay alone** ... **forever**?"

He didn't have the heart to break it to his god-daughter that he had already succeeded in doing both. He reached through the painting and took the rose-coloured business card.

"You think she will help an old man find love?"

"You're not THAAT old." 

Severus turned and smeared a touch of black paint from his cape into a moustache and exaggerated mouth wrinkles. 

"How about now?" 

Lily Luna giggled.

" _Now_ you look like Kevin Richardson."

"Off with you before I tell your mother you're skipping class again!" Severus wiped his own smile from his face.

The ginger pixie scooped her bookbag off the office chair and flew towards the door. "And tell her to stop leaving her magazines in the parlour."

* * *

As he waited in the peachy office, he rather wished he looked half as good as one of Lily Luna’s teenage heartthrobs. Hopefully, the matchmaker enjoyed challenges.

Mrs. Luna Lovegood bumbled about the room in her usual manner. Her eccentric style evident by her choice of clothing alone: a strawberry-bedazzled dress on top of something sickeningly vibrant and green. Her light mane pulled up in a rather bizarre fashion as it peaked out from behind a horizontally-placed white book.

"Your thoughts on Sugar Quills on pizza?"

"What in Merlin's name is a...Peat-saw?"

"I will write that down as....decidedly so! Now, how would you react if a pair of Nargles stole your shoes on the second date?"

"I would not-"

"OH, BUT YOU WOULD Severus, you WOULD." She clicked furiously.

"Next question...How is a raven like a writing desk?"

"Mrs. Lovegood, _how_ are these questions supposed to help...match me?"

"They aren't! I was just curious about your answers. By the way, the correct response is that they can both be penned, but never truly captive."

A series of twinkles produced from the book as the sorceress continued pattering her fingertips across the surface.

"It is not too late to accept defeat."

"Oh no no Severus, I was just updating your profile. There! You are now on the internet."

She shimmied over to the wall with the open book to show Severus an array of lettering on a screen. A series of photographs of smiling witches appeared before him. The book made a series of beeps and blinks. She thrust it through the painting into his arms.

"What am I to do with this in-ter-net.... exactly?"

"Like I said: swipe to the left for a rejection and to the right for a "LIKE" and if the other person "LIKES" you as well, you will have a match."

Severus squinted at the contraption. 

"Then..."

"Then you can start _chatting_."

"Mrs. Lovegood...I really don't think I can handle the responsibilities of such new...enchantments."

Luna swooned. "The INTERNET. No need to worry, it's really very easy. Look I will show you right now...you have got a match!"

"I have?"

"Yes! OUU, large brown eyes, curly hair, enjoys music and walks in the moonlight...she sounds like just your type."

_Just my type._ What sort of type would fall for a greasy-haired ex-potions professor?


	2. @ntoinette

"How did it go?"

"Shouldn't you be in Astronomy class?"

"Professor Sinistra thinks I'm in the loo."

"Thank your lucky stars she doesn't think you've been snatched by the Basilisk."

Lily Luna blanked at the portrait. 

"Was she pretty? Did you kiss?"

Severus shuddered.

* * *

His date was pretty, alright. Pretty _loud_.

A trickle of cheap Bordeaux stained the linen napkin on the table as Severus was approached by the shrill-voiced woman. To his horror, it was none other than the _Fat Lady_ from the Gryffindor common rooms. He couldn't figure out what was more straining: the fact that she had just cracked his wine glass with her _bonjour_ or that she recognized him.

"OOH Severus, you look much more jolly without those tears streaming out of your eyes. No worries, little Lily Evans is not the only doe in the forest. How is she now?"

"Dead." 

"Then I take it you're free tonight?"

A waiter emerged with two more glasses of wine, striking red against the yellow walls of the quaint French cafe. Severus was not sure if he was just drunk or if **Van Gogh's** large impressionist strokes had significantly...enlarged his companion's best features. So much so that he considered forgoing his usual order of creme brulee. 

The _Fat Lady_ (he discovered her name was Antoinette) had large brown curls that framed her rounded face. Her dress hugged her generous figure in all the right places: her hips, her thighs and her two big, juicy...

* * *

"Her two what, uncle?"

"Knees."

"You were looking at her knees?"

"Nevermind that, the story is finished."

"No, it's not! Not until you tell me if you kissed her."

* * *

This being a date and not a school reunion, Severus decided to move the liaison to more...private quarters. The waiter had recommended a small overnight room above the cafe. 

The fact that the bed did not have room for both did not impact their activities. Severus began savouring his dessert one spoonful at a time. Every part of the experience swirling in his lips.

He had heated up the sugary tip of her creme brulee. Now, for the best part- to crack in and devour what was inside. 

Severus began pulling down his pants to realize...that he had none. No pants. No legs. No left leg. No right leg. No belt. No zipper. And nothing behind the zipper either.

How could this be? How could one live his whole life without _ANYTHING_ below the belt and not notice it? Severus shook his head in disbelief. What devil was behind this trick?

* * *

"Auntie Hermione probably."

"Hermione Granger?"

"Yeah, well dad says she's the one who helped with your portrait."

Hermione Granger? Interesting. 

"So, you just ate dessert and...left?"

"Precisely."

"Lame. She wasn't pretty enough for you to kiss her?"

"Let's just say, that there were some... unexpected surprises."

Lily Luna uncrossed her hands and leaned back.

"That means you were _catfished_. You've never heard of that?"

"I'm not particularly interested in Hagrid's creatures."

" _NO_! Catfishing is when someone _tricks_ you in real life."

Severus considered.

"If Professor Sinistra asks me where you were for the past thirty minutes, I should tell her that you've been catfishing her?"

Lily whipped her blazer from under her bottom and scurried for the door.

"I'm sure you will find someone better than Antoinette."

"I'm sure I will."

_After I pay a visit to Hermione Granger and ask her what the devil she was thinking about messing with my penis._

"LILY, if your mother asks, please don't tell her about the knees."


	3. BIG<Problem

_Hermione Granger...Miss...MRS Granger._

_What in the bloody **hell** were you thinking about, leaving me without a..._

_Would you be so kind as to explain **why** you have not drawn my..._

_I hate to trouble you, but you may have forgotten that I am a man and I require a..._

Great Gandalf. Why was he stuttering like a debutante at a ball? She was the one who left him without a pair. SHE should be the one apologizing. He just had to go in there and ask her to fix his little problem.

* * *

"So... what was his problem?"

_What problem? How the hell does she know?_

"Uncle Sev? UNCLE SEV!"

"Gods, what time is it?"

"Half-past eleven. So why did Van Gogh hack his ear off?

"I'm about to **hack YOUR ear off**. Why the _devil_ don't you go to bed when you're told to _Lillian Lunamore Potter_?"

"You're a real GIT uncle Sev." Her freckled cheeks flared up in the dark and she stomped off into the shadows.

Now, where was he?

* * *

"Coffee while the gentleman waits?" The bartender in white bent down to retrieve a cup.

Severus flicked his wrist. Espresso was the last thing he needed for his pounding heart.

The small diner and bar on the corner of the financial district was lit up in the most intimate manner. Fluorescent bulbs illuminated a rich cherry stand and played with the dark leather stools. Severus watched as figure dressed in navy whispered something to a much younger woman dressed in a red. She laughed and ran her fingers down her neckline, drinking up his eye last word.  
  
Her gaze stirred a long forgotten memory in his chest. It seemed ages ago that a young girl with the largest, brightest smile looked at him the same way. Fascination. Admiration. No, more than that...trust.

"You in stocks?" asked a man in a black bowler hat and fitted suit sitting beside him. Severus nodded slowly, breaking his trance.

"Business."

He had business alright. Business that had nothing to do with smothering and longing gazes of beautiful women. 

  
He was about to ask for paint him a pecker so that he could get back on his high horse and escort Antoinette to Van Gogh's shabby hotel room and finish the deed. What was _this_ pigeon all dressed up for?

\------

Severus discovered from a friend, who knew a friend, who had...and so on and so forth, that Granger worked for the Department of Restoration of Fine Art in the Ministry and that Nighthawk's _Phillies_ bar was hanging in her personal office. All he had to do now was wait for her to arrive, ask her for **the** work, find Antoinette and then be home after dinner as a lucky man.

Easy. Simple. Flawless plan.

The door opened. Granger? The Hermione Granger he heard so much about. He walked closer to the frame to examine her up close.

_Brown curls were nested on her head in a ruffled manner. She took off her trench coat off to reveal a... very pleasant dress. It was not unlike Antoinette’s, but more frumpy and less revealing. However it did not hide the fact that it’s model had a nice chest and a cushioned shoulders._

_Get a grip. No. DON'T grip anything Severus, you have to have a serious talk with the witch._

"Mr. Snape? Is that you?"

  
_Gods, her eyes...piercingly clear and now close to his. Unlike Antoinettes, they were poignant and a piercing shade of amber. A tint of red dipped into them, reminding him of his sleepless nights of teaching. Those lashes. Those dark lashes. Had he noticed them before?  
_

_On second thought it had been...twenty years? Thirty? He hardly remembered anyone he taught back then._

"It is you! My! It's been so long...how is--""

_Those lips. Was that lipstick? Severus, focus...you need Antoinette....remember her big...'features'. Why was she staring at him...did she ask a question?_

"Mr. Snape?"

_Say something!_

"I, yes, it is I."

_Gods. FUCK. On with it Severus._

"I mean, I didn't know you worked at the Ministry now."

"It is a long way from Hogwarts....as are you. Can I help you with something?"

"You were the one who worked on me then?"

Hermione nodded. _What was she muttering there? Now she was sticking her finger into the painting flicking at his robes._

"Right, the problem is..." he stepped back, "you didn't completely finish my...form."

"Your form?"

"You see, you only painted the top half...I have nothing below-" He clinched his waist.

Hermione stared.

"But...you're a portrait...I was commissioned to paint your portrait."

"You didn't think that I would need legs or feet?"

"A portrait implies that only half the body is drawn." 

* * *

_A portrait implies only a half-drawn body._ What kind of a **bloody** artist only draws half a body?

Someone should have yanked Granger's pencil crayons out of her hands and burned her sketchbook as soon as she even **questioned** becoming an artist.

The dark halls were rather quiet without Lily Luna's constant questions. And she hadn't shown him how to login to his dating profile again through the _lab-tub_. (Or was it LAP-TOB). Insolent child.

Perhaps if he had been a little more direct with Granger, she would have agreed to his request. Had he been less direct about his frustrations with Lily, then she would have helped him with his love life. 

He made a point to apologize to her tomorrow. Likely during the day so he could also scold her for sneaking around the castle in Potter's invisibility cloak.


	4. Hermione Granger_Login

Severus missed his little ginger more than he liked to admit. When Lily Luna slumped in front of him a week later with a black eye and an equally peeved expression, it took him a great deal of control to look unamused.

"I'm sorry for calling you a _git."_

"Apology accepted. However, I probably deserved that."

"So, have you been chatting with anyone interesting online?"

"I was hoping you would help me."

Lily Luna yanked the laptop out of his hands and began clicking away. Severus watched in amazement as the little square object lit up and the faces of the attractive witches reappeared.

"Uncle Sev, you REALLY need to learn how to use the internet."

"What for? I have such a knowledgable apprentice." Lily grinned in return.

* * *

They spent the next twenty minutes scrolling through endless matches, Severus giving a quick comment about each one.

"Good...good...very good...good...STOP! Is that...?"

He peered at the tiny picture. Sure enough, it was her. Those rosy lips, long eyelashes, locks of chocolate curls pinned back in a neat fashion. She looked rather appetizing.

"What is Hermione Granger doing inside my book?"

"She's not INSIDE the _laptop_ Uncle Sev, she's online."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I know she uses the website!"

Severus raised his eyebrows. 

"I was just borrowing Auntie Hermione's lipstick, then I saw Lovegood's card inside her purse and thought about you. **Don't tell mum** , she never lets me wear makeup."

"Keep up with collecting those bruises and you will need it."

Lily Luna huffed. "Ferguson hexed me in the hallway so I had to show him off."

_That feisty Potter blood of hers._

\-----

_Hermione Granger online. This was interesting. This could work in his favour._

_H_ is _attempts at communicating his need for a lower half failed miserably the week before. At this rate, Antoinette will be kneading the dough with Nearly Headless Nick and he will have to resign to a lifetime of monkhood._

_Unless._

_UNLESS._

"Lily Luna, is there a way to talk to someone on this... _internet_...without the other person knowing who you are?"

"You mean like...catfishing?"

"Hypothetically. In order to avoid..."

"I get it, I get it...You want me to change your nickname so that you don't have to chat with Antoinette."

_Smart girl. Or to appeal to a certain witch so as to convince her to return my manhood. Brilliant idea Severus, truly brilliant._

"I can do that!"


	5. L0NGN0SEBOY_1800 and itsleviOSA

Severus was enraged. His own goddaughter could work the _bloody_ thing better than he could. HIM. The man who once corrected books was now being corrected by one.

No matter. He had to accept defeat by the eleven-year-old girl and celebrate his (few) victories.

Already, he had learned certain new things about his enchanted book from Lily Luna. For one, it had to be treated like a lady: with respect and gentleness.

_No shutting, bumping or tossing it around whatsoever._

Before approaching her, you had to press her circle badge with the line and wait for her to glow. Then you needed a name to enter inside. Severus didn't quite figure out what that name was, only that he needed to use-HER-name.

**"USER name, not use-HER-name Uncle Sev."**

"If...L0NGN0SEBOY_1800 isn't the _internet's_ name, then whose is it?"

"Yours."

 _Click_.

Severus had always considered Lily Luna's cheeky father to be the product of negative parenting figures. Evidently, neither the absence nor the presence of parents guaranteed politeness in the Potter children.

_Click._

There they were, apparating in front of him on the blank page. His _witches_.

The _most_ important skill of 'the book' was 'chatting' with his 'matches'. 

"Imagine you're talking to them as if they are standing in front of you."

For that, he had to press a series of small letters to write a ‘message’ and _expecto patronum_ , the words would be sent out - straight from the horse's mouth.

"Now you have to wait until she replies." Lily Luna picked up her bookbag and skipped away. "Just listen for the beep and type something back." When he was quite sure she had left, he turned his attention to the screen.

"Farewell, BathroomGirlMM, hello Hermione Granger." _Click._

_\-----_

Severus' brilliant plan to obtain his _manhood_ required discretion: a quality he often struggled with. His short temper was the reason he rarely maintained any friendships and partners. 

However, even he understood that he needed to tie himself into a knot when approaching Hermione Granger with such a _delicate question._ He could not just come up to her and say:

"Mrs. Granger, would you paint my ***** on?"

No, that would be too direct. He did not know enough about her to gauge her reaction.

Perhaps Hermione Granger was a very delicate woman. From what he saw of her at her office, he could make that assumption. Her whole image hinted at it: her tone of voice, her addressing him as _Mr._ Snape, her tender lips...

Then, Lily Luna had referred to her as _Auntie_ Hermione which indicated some respect. His goddaughter did not respect just _anyone_. She probably looked up to Hermione since she had allowed herself to rummage through her purse and try on her lipstick. Lily also trusted Hermione's taste in matchmaking websites, enough to sign up her favourite uncle onto it without hesitation.

Yes, Hermione Granger was certainly and without a doubt the kind of woman who would be OFFENDED if he asked her to paint him a pair of genitalia.

\---

The other question had to do with her skill. Hermione Granger certainly had done him a huge favour by painting one of the most hated Hogwarts professors. No one else would have agreed to do the job.

However much he insulted her in his head, he had to admit that Hermione captured his portrait well.

Starting from his hair, she painted it as long and thin waves of cobalt blue and juniper green. His skin was as awake and fresh as it had never been. His robes- a rich and dark shade. She had even given him a very dashing neck scarf and ivory shirt buttons on his top. No student would ever suspect that a man such as himself spent hours in the dungeon, hovering over scorching pots of bubbling concoctions until his skin was peeling off. 

He wasn't a masterpiece. She could have flattered him by making his nose less crooked or given him a more built complex or shaved a couple of years off his 40-year-old self. However, her work on his likeness was very detailed and believable. 

She managed to make old _Snivilus_ look rather...handsome.

This begged the question, what had Hermione Granger _really_ been examining in his classes?

Even if she did manage to memorize how he looked hovering above the student desks, there was absolutely no way she could have seen what was hidden below his robes. That would be rather inappropriate. Although judging by Lily's behaviour at times, young girls sometimes permitted their active imaginations to run wild.

* * *

**Hermione (@its_leviOSA) _online_**

_Did Lily help you come up with that USERname?_

**40 years old.**

_Right._

**Looking for: 30-50-year-old man within 25 kilometres.**

_Reasonable._

_**Virgo.** _

_Is that a spell?_

_**Omnivore.** _

_She likes to eat._

_**Single.** _

_Obviously._

**Looking for a man for friendship, long-term relationships, short term relationships, hookups.**

_Ob-viously._

**Ideal partner: 5'10-6'11, likes cats, has cats, wants children, non-smoker or smoker, enjoys fitness, enjoys movies, enjoys travel, close with family...**

_Good luck Granger._

\------------------------------------------------

L0NGN0SEBOY_1800: Good evening Hermione (sent at 11:30 PM)

L0NGN0SEBOY_1800: Out for a little walk in the moonlight, are we? (sent at 11:33 PM)

L0NGN0SEBOY_1800: While you're at it, could you paint me a pair of pants? (sent at 11:48 PM)

\-----------------------------------------------

_What the bloody FUCK was he doing?_

Gods. FUCK. Did the message fly away? Was there any way to stop it?

Had it been an owl, he could have just hexed it, but Lily specifically told him not to damage the lab-TOB.

Severus gently shut the object, placed it beside him and groaned with utter disbelief at what he had done.

Now more than ever he wished that Lily Luna had grabbed Potter's cape, snuck into the office and helped him correct his disastrous mistake. 

He should have just gone to Hermione's office and explained the situation. It was bloody degrading, but at least it would not have been pathetic.

What is worse is that he wasted an entire evening and a perfectly good alias on a message not even worth Merlin's balls.

Severus prepared himself for a very long and restless night. 


	6. &RUDGES

“

Uncle Sev...I know you’re in there...”

_Shit._

Severus pushed his way to the background of a crowd of the **Bal du moulin de la Galette.** Not today Lily Luna. Every possibility of meeting his goddaughter could produce questions including ones he was not ready to answer.

* * *

After the fiasco online, Severus found himself back at the Phillies bar in Hermione Granger's office. He thought it better to approach her in person. He waved the bartender down for a double espresso.

It was a quarter to six: just before dinner, but still early enough during the day to catch her alone. Hermione walked into the room as expected with a floating cup of tea and a loose apron tied to her waist.

She slowly glanced around the room before her eyes met his and she approached.

"Mr. Snape? It is rather late..."

"I won't take up much of your time. The last time we spoke, I do not think you understood how serious my situation was. The fact is, Mrs. Gran-"

"Hermione."

"Hermione. The fact is that I do need my lower half. I am not complete without it."

Hermione looked over him. Her eyes slowly studying his torso.

"You're perfectly fine and appear to move around well."

"That I do, but don't you think that a man only half-painted is shocking to others?"

"Not if you stay inside your own painting. That way you won't draw attention."

_Cheeky._

"Really you are...a _good_ artist, could you not spend another few hours of your time completing work that you've already started?"

"As I said, my commission is done and you've gone perfectly well without your legs for years. I don't see why you'd need them now."

"Could you not make an exception? Surely you must realize that a _man in my position,_ needs to be complete in order to have a _complete_ life."

At this point, there was no other way than to let Hermione know the real reason his lower half was so substantial.

"Draw _THAT_...for _YOU_?" Hermione's expression soured. She rearranged another set of brushes on her desk with that same distant look Lily had when she was angry.

"You must have already done a fair share of such drawings in art school."

"That is not the point."

"I know I am asking a lot from you-"

"You really don't understand, do you? After all these years?"

Severus was perplexed. 

"Do you really think that you have the right to ask me of such things? After all you've done to me? You had embarrassed me in front of my whole class for YEARS, and now, you want to make me an exception _?_ "

"I'm not asking you to MAKE any exceptions, I just want you to FINISH a project you have already started-"

"Then ask someone else in the department. I am sure they won't mind."

\----

Severus had planned for this scenario, though he had not expected it to happen. Hermione Granger? Holding a GRUDGE against him? Of all things?

He hardly _remembered_ the girl. Gods he must have been...in his thirties when she was taking his potions class. He had enough on his plate to think about then that did not involve some...child.

"And what exactly did I do?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. _Rolled._ This was really his breaking point.

"You? Everything! From calling me an Insufferable Know-it-All to your unconstructive feedback on my essays."

"I am _sorry."_

 _"_ I loved you- your class. I had tried my best to please you and all you ever did was make FUN of me. You constantly made me the arse of your jokes. You humiliated me in front of Draco Malfoy for Gods' sake. Now you come to me asking for a personal favour well... Mr. Snape I certainly don't have any intention of giving it to you."

"But I-"

_"It doesn't matter now. You want the job done, you can go and ask someone else."_

* * *

He could have understood her denial in the basis of discomfort, shame, lack of time. However, a grudge was not one of them. How _dare_ she hold such a petty grudge against him after all these years? He would make her complete the job out of spite alone!

He had done so _bloody_ much for those students and now, one simple request was made during his...afterlife and she has the nerve to deny him.

That evening when Lily Luna came by to see him, he requested her to make another online alias for himself. 

"Are you sure this is a good idea Uncle Sev? The photo won't look anything like you?"

"This is the point exactly."

Oh, he would make Hermione Granger pay. 


	7. $weet revenge Antonio

To say he was furious was an understatement. 

Severus had gone back to the Ministry only to be met with more denial of his requests.

"We extend our apologies sir, but there are no other artists in the department willing to complete your portrait."

"Even with compensation?"

"Your galleons are out of the question Mr. Snape. We must deny your request based on a member request."

_Hermione Granger has to be behind this. How else could he explain having approach at least 10 other ministry artists only to be met with similar replies?_

_\---------------_

"Where did you go at lunch Uncle Sev? I visited you."

"I had business at the Ministry."

Lily Luna played with the clasp on her bookbag. "Did you see my dad?"

Potter? Severus avoided him at any chance. Lily Luna rambled on and on about some boy in her class and what one girl said to another. Incredibly _dull_.

Severus' mind was in a completely different place.

Granger.

He had to exact his revenge on the... _witch_. As soon as Lily Luna left, he opened up his Lab-Tob. 

He had always had a talent for reading people, for finding out their deepest fears and desires and using it against them. It was a skill that granted him many...privileges in a past lifetime and could help now.

* * *

His new profile photo, a man of 40. Blonde, light-eyed and incredibly fit. The whole package.

Mrs. Granger - meet @Tony_Fitness.

He was a trainer living downtown and looking for a woman with a big heart. He had taken a few pointers from Lily Luna on the popular speech of the youth to seal the deal. Now to convince her to meet him.

Tony_Fitness: Hey girl

...

...

@itsleviOSA: Hi there! Nice profile picture!

Tony_Fitness: Thanks, you are lookingg lovely tonight. Do you want to grab a drink at the bar?

@itsleviOSA: I'm free at 6:30 tonight. Where were you thinking?

_Severus stopped. Where was he going to take the witch?_

Tony_Fitness: Up to you.

@itsleviOSA: Gregg's Pub at 7PM?

Tony_Fitness: ;-) see you there. I'll be at the back in a black shirt.

* * *

Gregg's Pub was a very modern location. White tables and coloured lights filled a small, intimate hall. Severus had done some investigating and transported himself into a very contemporary piece titled "Iron and Ice". Hiding behind an orange splat, he scoped out the hall in search of Hermione Granger.

At exactly 7, one elegantly dressed witch walked in. Hermione Granger really caught the man off guard in her skin tight red dress and matching heels. He couldn't help but notice how well it highlighted all her best features. She walked closer to him, eyes open and searching for Antonio. 

NOT a CHANCE. His online alias would not show up and Mrs. Granger would be outright humiliated. He would make certain of that.

Watching her looking flustered, rearranging her dress and applying another layer of lipstick gave him a rush. It had been years since he was able to pull out a good prank and even then could not always get away with it. Now the barriers were broken. Hermione was absolutely unaware that the fitness trainer she was supposed to be meeting was a fraud.

Severus pulled out his book to really seal the deal. Granger had already sent him many 'messages'.

itsleviOSA: Hey! I am at Gregg's, where are you? (sent 7:05 PM)

itsleviOSA: I'm at the back. Text me when you're here (sent 7:21 PM)

its leviOSA: is everything okay? (sent 7:40 PM)

itsleviOSA: I can send you the address if you're lost (8:30 PM)

Severus watched as the witch pulled a small device out of her pocket and fiddled with it. Every time she did, a message would appear on his end. That must be her lab-tub. _Interesting._

Now the woman was waving away the bartender for the second time that evening. OH sweet revenge. He imagined how laughable she must look, sitting there all alone with no one to talk to. Absolutely humiliated for trusting a stranger. 

That should teach you to respect a man of my word and honesty, he thought to himself. 

* * *

She had waited at the bar for exactly two hours and thirty minutes before taking her handbag and jacket and sulking out the door.

_Pathetic woman._

Had it been him, he would have left straight away. No woman would be allowed to walk over Severus bloody Snape, that was certain. He left back to his painting that night feeling a rush of excitement. He had just completed an absolutely, powerfully marvellous heist. How he wished he could see the look on her face when she came home that evening. Utterly....crushed.

Giddy like a boy at the wand shop, he tucked himself into his portrait. As he did so, his feeling of power slowly slid away. Instead, it was replaced by Hermione's eyes. Those large, brown eyes framed with dark lashed searching the bar for her date. The way she would look every time someone walked in through the door: with...longing. She really did look quite pained.

He would have taken pity and even felt remorse had this witch not held a grudge against him and pitted the entire team of Ministry artists against painting his portrait. 

Alas, no pity she would get. That first time of revenge would not be his last and Severus swore to make the witch's life miserable until she agreed to finish the job.


	8. po$e$$sion of Hermione

During his time at Hogwarts, Severus kept the hooligans up on their toes. They never knew if they would be scraping candle wax off the dungeon floors with scalpels or re-arranging his potions by colour during that evening's detention.

The same had been done for Hermione Granger. Already the witch had been surprised by three of his alias'.

Once at the Three-Headed Dog shop by the French exchange wizard named @klausKryptonite who did not bring his puppy by for a romantic walk in the park. The next time, she was left at a floating golf course by @4tephantheflowerman: a herbology specialist from Glasgow. Finally, a certain chocolatier named @sw33tSaucier had Hermione exchanging one cold cup of coffee for another at the Witch's Scone Cafe.

The result. Severus had achieved only a lasting hand-ache and exhaustion from his schemes. 

Each time, she would come to the dates as hopeful and (unfortunately) beautiful as before. Her enthusiasm and hope like a reed in the swamp: bending, but not breaking. She was the last foolish romantic in London.

\--------

Lily Luna practically hit the portrait off the wall. She stormed into the room and threw the weapon, her bookbag, at the wall.

"Sorry. Just that **bloody _GIT_ **always picks on me. If I were a Gryffindor..."

"Even _**IF**_ you were a Gryffindor, Professor Longbottom would still **_not_ **approve of your language. If he finds out who you've been learning it from, I'll be spending my days overlooking the lavatories."

The fury of red curls and scrunched cheeks slid down to the floor. "Sometimes I wish _**YOU**_ were my teacher, Uncle Sev. I bet you _never_ picked on kids who didn't hand in their parchments on time."

 _Oh?_ Severus smirked; a few particular cases coming to mind.

They sat in silence; Lily flicking pebbles on the carpet and Severus lost in the reminiscence of his teaching days. Those times students would part in the hallways so as to not be caught by the flash of his robes. If only he could get a touch of that mindless fear in order to scare Granger into finishing his portrait.

"Lily if you're done sulking--"

She perked up her eyes. 

"What I meant was, you shouldn't focus on that little problem of yours. You're so...young."

"Is it always going to be this way? Everyone picking on you just because...you're in the wrong house or you're an embarrassment to your family."

"You will have your time in the sun. Now, Lily, you have so many talents-"

"I'm useless." Lily Luna wrapped her knees with her arms, staring up at the man in the portrait. A look of need washed over his face as he studied her.

"Not at all. You've been helping the old _git_ with his lap-top and you can help some more right now."

A flicker of a smile lit up her cheeks. She eyed her uncle, eyebrows rising. "You've been talking to an online _girl,_ haven't you? Who is she?"

"A woman. It doesn't matter, who she is...I need your advice on her."

"I don't know...I'm only eleven...."

"But you are..well, that's to say...you know many women Lily. You being one yourself...you know about them. Let's see there's, your mother, there's your Grandmother Molly, there's....Aunt Hermione..."

"You want to know what my _grandmother_ li-"

" **Forget** your grandmother." Severus waved his hands. "Mrs. Gra- Hermione...Aunt Hermione, now she's about my age... Say, that I was talking to a woman like your aunt, what would she like."

Lily Luna looked down, her eyes darting about. 

"She...she...I don't know?"

"THINK! Please."

"She likes makeup and...she likes...animals..."

_Makeup? Bloody..._

"That is what all women like. Isn't there something special about Aunt Hermione? You girls can keep secrets."

Lily squinted. 

"You do know of her secrets, the smart girl you are."

"Well there is one thing," Luna whispered. "Whenever she sleeps over she keeps her light on. I think she's scared of the dark or ghosts or something."

"Ghosts?"

"I heard her talking in her sleep one night, she was calling her parents, telling them to come back, to remember. Uncle Sev are you sure I'm helping you?"

_Oh yes, yes she was._

* * *

Hermione Granger turned the corner of Walter and Banks at half-past 10. A late-night project: a rendition of _The Night Watch_ kept her working later than usual. 

A white glint shot by the corner of her eye. She halted, then slowly stepped on, scanning left and right. 

One by one, the street lights flickered off. Shop windows closed their eyes. Only the distant sliver of moon lit up the rooftops of some homes. 

Severus has waited for her for an hour, masked in the shadows of her painting. As she left the office, he followed her to an old display on Toads and Co. Pet Emporium. The witch's robes blended with the darkness as the last strokes of light faded out of sight. She stood on the street alone, clutching her wand in her quaking hands. 

A flick of the wand, a concentrated gaze and Severus slowly slid his way into the labyrinth of her mind. Pictures of her thoughts appearing in his own eye.

Hermione submersed to the cold stone walkway, her hands creeping through her tresses like maggots: scratching away at the intrusion. She muttered some incomprehensible words, spitting them out like poison.

The pictures appeared more and more clear for Severus as Hermione's writhing body was left in the earthly world. There in her thoughts, he saw an old man scolding her. Then from the smoke, figures appeared and floated by. 

Ones he recognized from his Hogwarts days. There was Minerva, his colleague with a stern look on her face, chastising Hermione for failing her NEWT exams. There was professor Slughorn telling her she could not be part of his ridiculous SlugClub. 

Among the faded images he saw....himself.

Severus watched as his form shifted before him. His face- older and crueller. The longer he watched, the more he felt his insides churning with disgust. The grease seemed to drip from his hair and melted his face into a horrific caricature. He pulled himself from the image and sank into a dark pit. In front of his eyes, two figures watching television in an old parlour room.

He recognized the spell. The elders sat unmoving as he ran for the front door. Severus clutched his chest and breathed quickly. He looked up and saw the eyes of his mother screaming for him. They shifted from green to a familiar brown and the lashes softened their gaze.

Hermione Granger had seen him.

She knew who was inside her mind.

She mouthed his name, her brows faulting. 

Severus reached out to her, but she had disappeared into the night. 


	9. Chapter 9

He had only planned on giving Hermione a scare, however, what he discovered was daunting. He stared at the wall in front of him. Emotions streamed in front of his eyes. Lucifer, what was he going to do.

* * *

"Uncle Sev? Wake up..."

Severus jolted awake to see Lily Luna's green eyes staring right through him. "How long have you been standing there? What time is it?"

"Quarter to two. Long date last night?"

"You can say it that way." He rubbed his eyes and smoothened out his hair.

"Did you stare at her knees too?" 

"Not this time."

"Uncle Sev, are you crying?"

"Lily, could you shut your mouth for even a second?"

The girl's eyes teared up and heavy sobs erupted from her chest. She looked like a puddle of red curls crouched on the floor.

"Lily...Lily, I am _sorry._ Listen, I didn't mean to upset you. The truth is, my date did not go well last night."

Lily continued sobbing before him.

"I hurt her and...Lily? Did something happen?"

"Is it that boy...Ferguson? No? Professor told you off again?"

Lily's crying slowly died down. She raised her swollen eyes to meet his. If he could reach through the painting, Severus would have hugged her. 

"What d-did you do to her? Y-your date?"

"Forget the date. Tell me why you've been crying for the past ten minutes."

The girl sat in silence, picking at her coat buttons and making sounds with her nose.

"Mum and dad, it's about them..."

* * *

Harry and Ginny divorcing? Surprising to Severus as much as to his goddaughter. They had always been a happy family from the looks of it. And the arrangement in question for months? How had he overlooked it? He tried to think back to the times spent with Lily Luna. Had he been listening to her at all? Gods he had been caught up with himself and his own questions that he forgot about his one responsibility- the one Potter child that trusted him. 

And now, Granger too. He had betrayed her trust possibly forever. How could he have been so selfish? 

History was repeating itself and he felt his opportunities slipping from his fingertips. It couldn't happen again, it just couldn't. Severus vowed to make things right again and he would start with his favourite ginger.


End file.
